Listening is Fundamental (Update)

Hello and welcome back! You didn't even know I was gone, did you?

During the summer we had our own mini version of summer school for my oldest son. Considering that he ended 6th grade on a less than sub-standard note, I felt it was only fair. Looking back over the past school year I realize that there were several factors that contributed to his poor performance, which I won't go into here.

Honestly, I wasn't concerned about math, science, or social studies. His main problem in those areas was a lack of organizational skills, i.e. forgetting to turn in work. What really concerned me was language arts, or as they used to say back in the day, reading and writing. The writing could be dealt with by using a keyboard for the most part (except in math). Addressing his negative attitude toward reading had me stumped...until I was inspired to let him read a book while simultaneously listening to the audio version.

Over the summer I watched him go from a reluctant reader who despised reading to a I'd-still-rather-be-doing-something-else-but-at-least-I-don't-hate-it reader. Seriously, folks, that's a huge improvement. His 7th grade language arts teacher has graciously allowed him to bring his book on CD to school, where during the allotted reading time he can listen and read along. I think having an IEP that allowed for alternative materials helped quite a bit. He started off the 7th grade Accelerated Reading requirement by rereading the books from his summer reading list. I'm happy to report that on two of the book quizzes he scored 100%. On the third book quiz, he score 90%. He has already achieved his AR goal for this quarter. This did not happen very often in the past.

I know this is hard to believe for an almost 13 year-old, but listening is one of my son's strengths. I'm convinced that listening to a story while reading along gives him the freedom to concentrate on the actual story rather than trying to focus on the mechanics and skill of narrating the story in his head. Many kids with Asperger's Syndrome struggle with voice modulation and tone. If they struggle with trying to find right tone and expression for their own voices how much more might they struggle by trying to use the right tone for the written stories of others? Food for thought. Anyway, we are continuing with this experiment and I hope it opens up a whole new world for him.

Listening is Fundamental

I realize that I'm dating myself, but way back in the 70s when I was a kid there was a huge push to increase literacy through the slogan Reading is Fundamental. I loved reading. In fact, I loved it so much that I got my degree in English. I still love to read. While I won't delve too deeply, suffice it to say I didn't have the best childhood. Reading provided a respite from the everyday shambles that was my life. I loved reading stories that did not resemble my life or my surroundings. Reality? Who the hell wants that? I sure didn't. Seriously, I did not want to read about characters mired in the despair of alcoholism and poverty. I didn't need to read about it because I lived it. But, different strokes for different folks. The beauty of living in a free society with a free public library system is that there are multitudes of books for everyone.

I mention all of this because despite my love for reading and my husband's love for reading, my oldest son does not share this. What I find to be an enjoyable pastime, he finds a frustrating endeavor. It's not that he can't read and it's not that he struggles with reading per se. He reads instructions, manuals, and magazines just fine. Reading is utilitarian to him. He'll read about airplanes (his latest obsession), or how to catch a particular Pokemon. If you ask him to read a fiction book and then talk about a character's feelings or motivation, he'll give you the deer-in-the-headlights look. Maybe it's because he has Asperger's Syndrome that he struggles with deciphering context clues and character motivation. He wants just the facts and only the facts. Consequently, he doesn't always do well on those darned, pointless Accelerated Reading quizzes. Did I say 'pointless'? I meant 'inane'.

Regardless of my feelings about Accelerated Reading, it is a fact of my son's life. While observing in his classroom (remember?), I noticed his teacher reading out loud to the class. I also noticed that the class - including my son - seemed to be enjoying it. With this in mind, I decided to try a summer experiment and have my son read along while listening to an audio book. I found free audio books at Books Should Be Free; granted, they are all public domain books, but I figured it would be a start. I had my son read Just So Stories by Rudyard Kipling. He actually liked it. I asked him if it was easier to read along while listening and not surprisingly he said, "Yes". Tentatively, I asked him if there was a book that he thought he might want to read but was afraid to try. He said, "Well, my friend read Scat by Carl Hiaasen, and he really liked it. You know, that's the same author who wrote Hoot." I took him with me to Barnes and Noble and I bought Scat. Then we went to the library and found the audio version.

I don't know if he'll ever come to love reading the way I do. But I sincerely hope that he won't despise it either. If reading while listening to an audio book will help improve his comprehension and diminish his reluctance to read, then sign me up, baby, I am all for it. I'll let you know how this experiment goes at the end of summer.

Of Blow Torches and Bonfires

Without naming names or pointing fingers, let's just say that sometimes teens and preteens get the idea in their head that rules don't apply to them. Or that, yes the rules do apply, but there are always exceptions...exceptions that happen daily. In my opinion, if an exception happens daily then it's an excuse. You might remember a couple of posts ago when I said that it's an unfortunate truth that sometimes the best lessons learned are those which are a natural consequence to our actions. It's a truth that someone in our household is still learning.

You see, sometimes some teens and preteens need the proverbial blow torch under their ass in order to motivate them to fulfill their responsibilities. Someone, who shall remain nameless, needs a bonfire not a blow torch. A bonfire in the form of mom (a.k.a. me who is no longer Minivan Mom) going to school and sitting in the back of the classroom to observe said preteen in order to scare and/or embarrass the living crap out of him. Either one works for me.

When to Spend

I don't like spending any more than I have to. Well, that's not entirely true; I do make plenty of exceptions to that rule. Sometimes I spend more for the sake of convenience - often this is the worst reason to spend more. Sometimes I spend more because the quality or service is often superior to the cheaper option. Sometimes I spend more in order to teach a life lesson. That's what I did today.

Today, I decided that I had to do something with those brown-spotted bananas in the cupboard. I got the brilliant idea to make chocolate banana bread. Yum. But honestly, what's banana bread without cream cheese? I suppose you could slather butter on it, but I prefer cream cheese. Of course, I didn't have cream cheese. Did I really need it? No. However, I did have a 5 dollar bill just burning a hole in my wallet, and I have an almost 12 year-old. What's the point of having an almost 12 year-old with a bike if you can't put him to work? I sent him on his way up the street to the big name grocery store that I rarely go to. I could have just as easily gotten into my car to go to Winco because I knew that the cream cheese at the big name store would be $1 - $2 more. Sure enough, I was right.

The extra $2 was an investment in building my son's confidence, demonstrating to him that I trust and believe that he is capable of being responsible. I firmly believe that one of the most important things that parents can do is to show that they trust their children by giving them responsibilities and carefully measured independence as they get older - yes, even kids with Asperger's need this. I also believe that parents set the example. I tried to demonstrate generosity by letting him keep the change. I hope he repeats this when it's his turn to leave a tip. If he does learn this then that, my friends, will be worth every penny.

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. Colossians 3:21

The Obvious and the Obscure

Some children have what one might call obvious disabilities.  They may be in wheelchairs, or like my youngest son, have a cane.  They may have a physical appearance that identifies them as having a disability, like Down Syndrome.  Some children have disabilities that are not so obvious...at least not at first.  Their disabilities are obscured by their seemingly normal outward appearance.  Children with autism, cognitive delay, or epilepsy may fall into this category.  The reason I mention this is because I have one child with an obvious disability and one child with an obscure disability.  The reactions that these boys have gotten from total strangers have been as different as night and day.  More on that later.

In fairness, I don't consider my son with Asperger's to have a disability any more. I say this only because in spite of his social awkwardness he is capable of doing so much more for himself than my youngest son is capable of doing.  However, looking back on his toddler years and preschool years I think, "Wow...he was autistic."  The signs were all there: the echolalia, the lining up of toy cars and trains, endless Thomas the Tank Engine videos, and the meltdowns.  Good grief how I remember the meltdowns.  I almost need a drink just thinking about them.  I remember the exhaustion, the shame, and the confusion of wondering why my kid acted like that.  Don't think that I didn't second guess our parenting skills everyday.  When my youngest son was born, we knew almost from the get-go that he was going to have some disabilities; we just weren't sure to what extent.  During that time, it was easy to attribute my oldest son's behavior to being a bratty two year-old.  As he got older, it was harder to explain away the behavior and the language delay.  Finally, just three months shy of his fifth birthday, he was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome.

Disbelief and relief are just two of the emotions I felt: disbelief that I had a child on the autism spectrum; relief that we finally had a diagnosis.  We finally had a name to go with the behaviors.  We finally had an explanation to give to other people.  You see, ever since my youngest son got his cane, I cannot tell you all of the looks of sympathy and kindness we have received.  He had an obvious marker (the cane) that told everyone he was blind.  When my older son was younger and he had one of his trademark meltdowns in public, or he would take off running through the mall, I did not feel the love from strangers.  He did not have anything that marked him as autistic.  So, everyone assumed he was a brat and we were bad parents.  If having these two boys has taught me anything, it would be not to assume.  Now when I hear a small child in public having an extreme meltdown, I don't automatically assume it's bad behavior or bad parenting.  Instead I think, "Hmm, I wonder if he's autistic."

Color or Colour?

Several years ago when I was homeschooling my oldest son, I used to read blogs that dealt with homeschooling a child with Asperger's.  One of these blogs (the name escapes me) was written by a woman in Scotland.  One morning as I was reading her blog and drinking my coffee, my oldest son peered over my shoulder.  All of a sudden, he started pointing out words that were “spelled wrong” - words like “colour”, “neighbours” and so forth. 

Not wanting to dampen his enthusiasm for discovering misspelled words, I gently explained to him that this blog was written by someone from Scotland, which uses UK English not US English, and therefore, these words were not spelled wrong.  This took a moment to sink in and I could almost hear the hamster on the wheel.  Then began a short debate:

    “Oh, so I can spell 'color' two ways: c-o-l-o-r and c-o-l-o-u-r.” 
    “Sorry buddy, but if you spelled it c-o-l-o-u-r then it would be wrong.” 
    “But you said...” 
    “It's not wrong in the UK, but it's wrong in the US.”
    “But what if I wanted to live in the US and spell it c-o-l-o-u-r?” 

Thinking he had me cornered I said, “Well, then you have to move to Canada.”  “Canada?”  The hamster began spinning again.  This led to a very brief discussion of why Canada spells like the UK and why the US doesn't.

It's memories like this that help me to remember the positive aspects of homeschooling: that a 7 year old actually noticed a slight difference in the spelling of a word, which led to a brief discussion of three different countries using the same language (more or less).  While I don't regret putting him back in school, there are times when I miss homeschooling.  This is his third year back in public school, and after a rough start in third grade, he's doing pretty well now in fifth grade.  He is very good at spelling and he knows that he shouldn't spell “color” as “colour”.  At least, not until he moves to Canada...traveling there by RV of course.  :-)

If All Your Friends Jumped Off a Bridge

"Mom!  What's the big deal? All my friends are doing it!"
"Well if 'all your friends' were jumping off a bridge, would you jump too?"

Ah, that classic argument between parent and child.  It's an argument about kids wanting to fit in with their peers and parents wanting to ensure that the kids don't blindly follow the crowd.  It brings back so many memories.  Many years ago when I had a real (i.e. paying) job, my coworker and I were reminiscing about the above conversation with our own mothers.  My response to my mom was to roll my eyes and say "Give me a break.  That is so lame."  My coworker's response to her mom was, "Of course I would or I'd have no friends."  I doubled over in laughter.  Sadly, both my mom and my coworker have passed on, so all I have are the memories.

These memories resurface as I watch my 10 year old with Asperger's both struggle to fit in and not struggle to fit in.  It's actually kind of refreshing to have a kid who doesn't always care if he fits in or not.  He does have friends with whom he shares common interests such as: video games, Pokemon, Legos.  It's his other interests that set him apart: RVs (as in recreational vehicles), origami, maps.  Sometimes, he doesn't care if his clothes match, like when he wears his Hawaiian shirt with plaid board shorts.  He could care less about sports, although he is sort of trying to understand the rules of baseball.  He's not afraid to walk away if the other kids decide to do something that he doesn't want to do.  He can always entertain himself and doesn't need the constant presence or approval of his friends.  That doesn't mean he's immune to peer influence.  Many of his friends have a Nintendo DS.  He decided that he wanted one, too.  So, over the summer he saved his money from his regular chores and doing odd jobs for me and our babysitter.  At the end of August, he had enough to buy a DS Lite.  He does try to fit in...sometimes...when he wants to.

On the other hand, I'm pretty sure that the other kids don't give a rat's rump about RVs.  Even with common interests like video games, he can get a little overenthusiastic and talk for a little too long on the subject while the other kids' eyes glaze over.  Still, I don't view Asperger's as something that needs to be cured per se.  Having said that, social skills are important.  As long as he continues to learn to be kind and polite to others, I will encourage him to pursue his interests.  I can only imagine this future conversation between me and my son:

"So, if all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?"
"No!  My friends wouldn't jump off a bridge anyway; there's no bridge around here."

The fun is only beginning.

Aren't Wii Having Fun?

We've had a Wii for two years, and I have to say that it's alot of fun.  Initially, I was reluctant to get a gaming system.  I had images of kids being transformed into couch potato nerds who never left the house and never saw sunlight.  (I would say that that's only partially true.)  However, when it's 100+ degrees outside it's not like the kids are going to be running around, riding their bikes or their scooters.  Many of our summer days are 100 degree days.  So, we got a Wii.

That decision proved to be a good one for several reasons.  First, my Asperger's kid was instantly attracted to video games.  Go figure.  He's also very good at these games.  Again, go figure.  However, there has been another benefit to having a Wii that we could not have predicted: it has given him a social outlet - another way to make a connection with other kids.  This has always been very difficult for him.  Since being introduced to the wonderful world of Nintendo, he now knows who Mario and Luigi are.  He can talk strategy and exchange hints and cheats with other kids.  And best of all, many of the games are made for 2-4 players, so he doesn't have to play alone.

I'm sure that there are still some harsh critics of gaming systems.  I used to be one of them. Many of the criticisms I've heard revolve around the type of games played and the amount of time kids play them.  After having a Wii for a couple of years now, I have come to view these issues as parenting issues.  Parents purchase the games and parents set time limits.  It's that simple.  We have one game that is rated "T" for Teen and that's Super Smash Bros. Brawl.  The rest of our games are rated "E" for Everyone. Our son accepts the fact that certain games are not allowed in our home.  Period.

Finally, who would have thought that my husband and I would come to enjoy having a Wii.  Since we don't have cable, Dish, or DirecTV (we use Hulu and Netflix), the Wii has become a great source of entertainment on those hot summer days.  As a bonus, if you are a Netflix customer with a wireless internet connection and you have a Wii, Netflix has a free DVD available that allows you to use your Wii to download movies from the Netflix Instant Queue.  Pretty sweet.

Let 'em Work for It

I'm so proud of my 10 year-old.  On Monday his school was the beneficiary of a fundraiser held at the local frozen yogurt shop.  So after finishing his homework he took his wallet, which contained his own money that he worked for, got on his bike and rode to the yogurt shop with some friends so that they could buy a yogurt and support their school.

Now, I'm not deluding myself into thinking that the only reason he went was to support his school.  I'm well aware that it was a chance to go “somewhere” with his friends.  However, as he was getting ready to leave, I noticed a slight air of confidence in him as he put the money in his wallet. He doesn't have to ask or beg for money from mom and dad.  He has his own.  He gets to enjoy the fruit of his labor at a carefree time in his life.

Having his own money has also greatly reduced the “Can you buy this for me?” when we go shopping.  In fact, dare I say that it's almost non-existent. On one rare occasion he forgot his wallet.  He so desperately wanted to buy a package of Hot Wheels that with tears in his eyes he asked if we could go home so that he could get his wallet and then come back to Target.  It was a moment of truth for me: do I play hard ball and say “No” or do I have compassion and say “Yes”?  I said “yes”.  Why?  Because I have gone grocery shopping only to realize that I had forgotten my wallet and had to go all the way back home.  I said “yes” because I was proud of him for asking to go back to get his own money instead of asking me to buy it for him.

He has been receiving an allowance since he was 6 years old.  We started him off at  $1.25 per week for doing the same two chores each day.  In the beginning I put a chart on the refrigerator and marked off when he completed a chore.  Then every evening after dinner we would go over the chart and I would pay him.  Now that he's older, we no longer need the chart; he has different chores; he gets paid more; and payday is every Friday.  This method works for us because kids with Asperger's like rules and they like knowing what to expect.  He is learning that he is expected to work for his money because that's what he's going to have to do when he goes out into the real grown-up world.  Paying him for his work also puts pressure on me (in a good way) to ensure that I have the money every Friday.  It's like a contract or an obligation that I'm less likely to flake on.

We've started this process with my youngest son.  Even though he needs assistance from us, he feeds the cats every morning and gets paid $0.25 per day, or $1.25 per week!  What a bargain!  And the cats are so happy that they are finally being fed the same time everyday.